It has just now become clear to me why I have not written for so many months.
Not wanting to is kind of a lame reason.
Still embarrassing but more descriptive as a reason is that my brain is fried.
Fried from news, fried from the yo-yo situation we find ourselves in for the last 2 years and from the lack of serotonin caused by not being able to plan and not being able to look forward to things (lacking the certainty that they will happen).
Are we Pavlov's new dog?
A bizarre sensation sits inside of me that we are part of a reverse Pavlov experiment of temptation and deprivation - oh look you can travel, oh no you can’t. Oh look a nice dinner party, ah no it’s cancelled. Oh look you can go a concert, oh no you’ve been in contact with a positive person. To protect ourselves are we learning to not respond to stimuli anymore (or to anything else)?
Maybe like me, you have also stopped responding to the reports of refugees drowning in the Channel, a burning bus in Bulgaria killing dozens of people, even the incompetence of the climate change discussion. It’s just a headline and you move on. And yet you still feel like a bad person, but you can’t change it.
Turns out, the age of AI and technology is not the main focus anymore in the context of our own survival and well-being, what interests me more now is what it means to stay human in the general age of uncertainty. How to find beauty, joy and hope.
It seems that my books on evil algorithms, bullshit statistics and technological driven apocalypse, certainly interesting, will remain unread. The times have changed.
Looking at ourselves with some honesty, we have to admit that we are an incredibly spoilt bunch and most of us in the lucky west have never been through a crisis on such a scale that challenges our lifestyle and psyche.
Most of us have not experienced war, hunger or any extreme threat to our safety.
And yet we are, understandably, finding it a challenge to adjust to a new life, new way of thinking and giving up many of our expectations of what it means to be happy and free.
Having grown up in communism I do have a sense of what travel restrictions, consumer deficit, lack of freedom and decision for your own person/body means - something that my parents, who bore the brunt of the regime, tried to shelter us lovingly from. But the contrast of how we live today vs how we could have lived (and how others live) is still in my consciousness.
Adapt to survive and keep the price low
Perhaps I still have some of this communist compliant mentality within me, because I am a firm believer of having to adapt to situations. Adaptation (and cooperation, but that’s a whole different discussion) are the key elements to survival.
However, adaptation is a fine line between acceptance and defiance, deciding what to accept and what to rebel against.
Our kids have to wear masks at school from this week, not something cool for them, or for anyone, but it’s just how it is and that’s the message we try to give them. They must also learn to adapt (the alternative of home schooling will be much more traumatic for them!) and accept certain things in life that are not optimal. Kids are malleable like hot metal and I believe they will be fine, given sufficient support and a sense of safety at home.
Adaptation in adults is more difficult and carries a higher mental cost.
It takes energy to rewire the brain into a new configuration for a new situation (and still stay positive and happy for those around you). We are doing this on a daily basis for the last few years and I have the feeling some of these connections are starting to short-circuit.
This is all in a subtle conflict with having to provide a safe and stable home to our little people, with an air of positivity and hope. More reason to look for ways to exist beyond yourself.
Move in the cold air to find the joy
After almost a year I went for a mini run today in the crisp (und unusually sunny) December morning. It was either that or to have gone to the gym, which I impulsively joined 2 months ago as proof to myself that I’m still in control of my own situation. They will probably close it soon or bring back masks but it's a good feeling to have made a decision anyway. My own pressure to go today was purely pragmatic - use my membership and get my money’s worth. But the weather was so beautiful and much closer to what my soul needed that I choice mind over money.
As the air gently burnt my cheeks and the sun brought focus to the magic autumn/winter transition of golden leaves and a little snow (and also mush but we won’t focus on that) it occurred to me that I have stopped noticing.
Our daily life is so preoccupied with news and adjustments and illness and still the normal daily stuff that I lost the ability to pay attention and enjoy little things around me. Is this infact the key to staying human, to feeling alive?
Inspired also by a couple of books I recently bought in this frame of mind (no I’m not getting any affiliate rewards, just sharing out of pure goodness) I am motivated to focus more on the joys of small things around me.
Delight by JB Priestley - written after the 2nd World War in 1949, imagine what it was then to find delight and joy!?
The Joy of Small Things by Hannah Jane Parkinson - written by Ms Parkinson while she was experiencing severe depression. And yes, I stole ugh borrowed her phrase, sorry, but she borrowed the idea from Mr Priestly…all about sharing.
Sharing the moments of delight that come to mind today
The feeling when your body overrules your mind. You find yourself in action doing something that your mind would have talked you out of, e.g. doing sport in my case. (this of course has obvious warning signals...you should know where your limits are!)
The exhilaration of listening to new music for the first time and feeling your heart jump, like falling in love. We recently had the pleasure to finally go to a concert again and discover the fabulous Cyprus (or Cypriot?!) band Monsieur Doumani.
The equal exhilaration of listening to music for the 100000th time, which still lifts you off the ground and elevates you high above reality. This is for me (among others) Rainbow’s Catch the Rainbow and Deep Purple’s Child in Time.
Watching the river flow, with nowhere to go (I didn’t mean to rhyme), just down. No timelines, no expectation, no goal - it’s just there, flowing.
Looking at the hills sprinkled with snow, and imagining them as a chocolate cake with caster sugar on top. What other decoration would you add?
Not being reasonable, sometimes. We have flipped as a society into being too conscious, too aware, too reasonable. Of course this is the right trajectory (and some still have a long way to go), but overall I feel we’ve become too reasonable for our own good. We deprive ourselves of fun, pleasure just for the sake of exactly that, because it has to be weighed on the socially acceptable scale. I can recommend (maybe as my own justification of doing stupid things):
If presented with the rare chance to go out partying, stay out until 5am, don’t look at your watch (yes the next day is shit, but totally worth it for having felt alive)
Not supporting mindless consumerism but damn it, sometimes it’s just nice to buy something that you don’t really need but that gives you joy.
Eat chips at midnight
Embrace and enjoy naiveté and innocence. This is obvious when exhibited by kids, though we sometimes don’t have the capacity to even acknowledge it. My son is taking drum lessons and in his first lesson the teacher asked him “Do you know AC/DC?”, he said “No, but I know R2D2”. Recovering from the shame that there is such a fundamental gap in his music knowledge, I almost fell off the chair laughing with joy by his fabulous innocence.
However, naiveté and innocence is something that we as adults don’t do well because it’s a sign of failure, lack of knowledge, silliness and vulnerability. But we should also do more of it. If you say or do something stupid (eg spill wine while talking or walk into a glass door - my trademarks), rather than being embarrassed, laugh at your own imperfection.
Because we are human.
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